matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Randomize
