My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
