At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
Is it weird that we showed each other our pussy's and pointed out the good and bad things about each others??
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
