two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
