My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
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