no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
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