i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Randomize
