I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Randomize
