Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
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