woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Randomize
