The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
My hair reeks of homosexuality.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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