White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
