Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
You know, be my cock's hype man.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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