I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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