Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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