I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
