enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
Randomize
