we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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