I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
