don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
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