the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Randomize
