my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
