hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Randomize
