meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
