Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
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