A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
I would ride that face into the sunset
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
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