considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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