Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Randomize
