I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Randomize
