K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Randomize
