What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
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