walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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