I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
