you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
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