I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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