He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Randomize
