I didn't shave. On purpose
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Everyone says I win the strip club
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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