She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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