Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
