I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Randomize
