JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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