I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
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