some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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