it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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