The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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