mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
you had me at cake vodka
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
