I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Randomize
