Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Randomize
