i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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