rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Randomize
